Well, it’s Friday night and I’m a bit bored because Ed and the boys are playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare III, which is their favorite pastime until Call of Duty: Black-Ops II comes out next week, so I decided to check out my stats page because I haven’t done it in forever. The list was significantly longer that I had expected, mostly because I think my mother is one of the few who read my blog and I’m pretty sure she poses questions to the Google browser just to tease me, and there were some search questions listed that I found amusing. There were even a few that made me almost spew my delicious Pinot Noir onto my computer screen. That would have been a travesty though, and a waste of good wine, so you can calm yourself because there was no wasting of good wine in the writing of this post.
Slightly off topic, but I’ve recently come across a quote I really like.
Write Drunk. Edit Sober. Earnest Hemingway.
That guy must have been brilliant. (Yes, I know who Hemingway was. I’m not that drunk yet.) (Mom, relax. I’m kidding!)
Anyway, on to the list!
1. Kid Who Looks Like A Monkey. I mostly liked this one because we’ve been teasing Trip about his enormous ears lately and he is very proud of them. He has even told his teachers that he has ears like a monkey and they should be jealous. The little dude is a chick magnet though, so maybe he’s on to something.
2. What Happens to Boys Who Are Raised by Neurotic Mothers? Dear God, I hope they turn out okay! Otherwise, mine are screwed. I think they’ll turn out just fine in spite of me. Or to spite me. They’ll probable live as far as humanly possible one day from their dear Momma, but it’ll just be so I can visit them in exotic locales. Right? You know what’s really troubling? Someone found my blog with that query. And they received absolutely no help at all!
3. Jacob Hates You. I don’t really get this one, but it makes me giggle anyway. Maybe that’s the Pinot? There are some mysteries the world will never solve. In any case, I am Jacob’s favorite sister. I might also be his only sister, but that is not the point. I am his favorite sister because he thinks I am awesome and no one should ever disillusion him from that opinion! That, and he’s right.
4. Box Fight. That was it: “box fight.” What in the hell is a box fight? I wish I knew. I’m a child of the 80′s and I absolutely love boxing. I still watch it on whichever channel shows it late at night when I’m the only one awake because Ed hates it. Or he just thinks I’m slightly weird for watching people fight in a ring. I really do love it though. I remember Mike Tyson fighting on HBO back when HBO was the only movie channel available. Or were we just poor? I’m not sure if there were other channels available back in the dark ages and I have no intention of finding out now, unless you, dear reader, just remember that kind of thing off the top of your head and would like to provide me with that little tidbit of knowledge.
As a little aside, I went out with my brother Jacob last weekend for a little drinking and debauchery. Well, drinking at any rate. So we went to a local establishment and had a couple of beers, but we were younger than most of the other patrons by a decade or two, which is no easy feat at my advanced age, so we walked across a busy highway (we’re in the country-it’s like crossing the street and risking your life at the same time) to another local establishment where the clientele was closer to our age and we saw a few people we had known from high school because they also hadn’t moved away and a Laurence Fishborne look-alike. As we were chatting and discussing the merits of a life well lived, a “fight” broke out behind us. I was as observant as ever and had to be pulled out of harm’s way by my dear brother. Fortunately, he has become quite the quick thinker. I turned around in time to see one guy slapping his own chest while hopping backwards. These weren’t mere steps backwards or done in an attempt to find a space with more room for the actual fight. These were HOPS! He was hopping backwards like a rabbit! And then, there were bouncers who appeared from out of nowhere and separated the two, although I don’t really know if you can separate two guys who are ten feet away from each other. In any case, one was escorted out the front door and the police were called and they stayed for what seemed like an eternity!
In the end, I came to this conclusion: If you’re going to get arrested anyway, you might as well throw a punch! Otherwise, WHAT IS THE POINT??
5. My brother’s full name. You’ll have to forgive me for not listing his full name here, but with the last name, there are only twelve in the good ol’ USA, so it’s not like whoever typed that name into their browser could’ve been looking for someone else, but WHAT IN THE HELL, Google? How is his full name, which I’ve never used on this here blog, associated with my fantastic blog. (Yes, you should infer a little sarcasm there. Self deprecation. Whatever you want to call it.)
6. My grandfather was in the CIA. Dude, so was mine! Maybe. I’m not really sure. The stories my mom tells about him killing people didn’t come out of her mouth until long after he was dead and she has a very, very vivid imagination. (Mom, do not view that last statement as an invitation to describe said murders or self-defense maneuvers in the comment section. That’s for private discussion at your dining room table where the possibility exists for us to enjoy making even more people uncomfortable.)
7. Ed is awesome. I think my husband may have searched this term in hopes of finding some dirt on me. He has finally come to accept that he has received a life sentence with me for some unconscionable sin in a past lifetime. Whatever it was, it was bad. Poor guy. He’s so nice now too. You’d think a guy as nice as he is would get a wife who might cook and clean once in a while. Lucky him, I work and drink red wine. And beer. And spirits. Though not all at the same time because I learned my lesson when I was much, much younger. Drink one at a time young lady, and you’ll be that much happier for it. And he is awesome! And cute!
8-88. There were so many variations on stretch mark queries, I can’t even begin to list them all. Ladies, and Gentlemen if this happens to apply to you as well, stretch marks are permanent. Once they rear their ugly heads, they never, ever leave. Unless you have a tummy tuck and get those bad boys surgically removed. That’s always an option. But if you’re not willing to consider surgery, you’re stuck with the little reminders that your body has done something wonderful. Mine housed three souls at once. However, those bastards itched when they were forming (the stretch marks!) , so put your lotion on or you will be miserable.
“It puts the lotion on it’s skin or else it gets the hose again.” Can you name that one? It’s one of my favorites. I blame my seriously warped mother and the strange upbringing I endured. I can’t believe my brothers don’t write. Our mutual biographies read like a sociopath’s background….and her mother made her stay up late on weekend evenings to watch scary movies because she didn’t want to watch them alone.
89-100. These were really just various queries about children and I’m hoping they were parents searching for inventive ways to photograph their cherubs. And even though I’ve got some mad iPhone skills, they should probably look elsewhere. I’m not very skilled with the camera. I’m just persistent.
And well, now it’s time to send the cherubs to bed and take the remotes away from them. Momma wants to start watching Grimm and she needs that playstation to do it.
