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Archive for the ‘Ed the Awesome’ Category

I Am the Butt of Every Joke

Posted in Boys, Conversations I've had Recently, Ed the Awesome, Family Stories, I Couldn't Make This Up on May 17, 2013 | Leave a Comment »

I’ve tried all manner of diets over the years and now, I’m trying the paleo diet.  It’s working for me and I feel good.  I haven’t made a big deal out of it with Ed or the boys, but it is obvious when I don’t eat some of the same things they eat.  I have told the men in my house about the finer details of my diet and they have run with it!

A couple of weeks ago, we were eating a big weekend breakfast at one of our favorite restaurants and I ordered coffee.  Here’s the thing though:  I don’t like cream in my coffee.  I like milk.  Cream is too thick for me.  So naturally, I asked for milk instead of cream.  My milk versus cream issue has absolutely nothing to do with my current diet, but my guys had to add in a few details for my request.

Ed started, “The milk should be whole milk from a cow that has only eaten organically grown grass.  It should also be a white cow with three large black spots.”

“The cow should be one born only in the month of October and not more than four years old,” said Logan.

Trip couldn’t be left out.  “And the cow should only have lived in Texas or in an adjoining state.”

I just smiled and asked if they could meet all of those requirements.  The server laughed and said, “Of course!”

Last weekend, we ate at the same restaurant.  I ordered an omelet and asked for a couple of things to be left out.  My requests were not unreasonable and the server said it would be easy to accommodate my requests.

Trip piped up first.  “The chicken which laid the eggs should be a white chicken.”

“It should have black spots, but the spots should only be on the chicken’s face,” supplied Ed.

Logan finished, “The chicken needs to have been born in the summer time of the last year.”

Our server was the same one who had heard their routine about the cow a couple of weeks prior and she was giggling at the onset of it.

My omelet was delicious!

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I Took the Boys to an Amazing Theater and They Made Me Feel Really Old

Posted in Boys, Conversations I've had Recently, Ed the Awesome, Family Stories, Parenting Awesomeness on January 27, 2013 | Leave a Comment »

Ed the Awesome has been working on a play for quite some time now.  He plays Rochefort in The Three Musketeers at our local community theater.  He has had to learn to stage fence and has grown out an amazing, mountain man beard, which he intends to shave a full thirty minutes after the last play is over.  Since he has been so busy, the little boys and I have had a ton of time to spend together.

Last Friday, the little boys and I went to the Rialto Theater in Denison with a friend of mine and her son.  It’s a fabulous old theater in downtown Denison which fortunately made it through all these years intact.  A couple of local guys bought it and renovated it, keeping the feeling of a fabulous old theater still in place.  The theater still has the original seats (I’m assuming) and curtains that can close across the screen.  The movie screen can be removed for stage performances.  It’s a really magical place and I’m glad they spent the time and energy to bring it back to life.

So Friday night, the boys and I went to see the original Superman at the Rialto with a couple of friends.  I told them in the car on the way home what our plans were for the evening and they had a few questions about the movie.

Logan:  “How long ago was it made?”

Me:  “1978.”

Trip:  “Was it in black and white?”

Me:  “Just how old do you think I am?”

Trip:  “You’re 34.”

Me:  “When do you think they started making movies in color?”

Trip:  “1993.”

Me:  “You little demon!”

Logan couldn’t speak because he was laughing so hard.

So we got there right as the movie was starting.  There was no one else in line, so we bought our tickets and helped ensure they would remain open by buying stuff at the concession stand I would normally have insisted we get at the grocery store first and three drinks instead of one.  The three boys raced up the stairs to sit in the balcony and my friend and I dutifully followed, while I said just loud enough for them to hear as they were going up the stairs that there were ghosts up there who might get them.  They ignored me.

We sat on wooden seats and watched Superman on a far bigger screen than would fit in someone’s house with theater quality surround sound.  I laughed at the hairstyles from the ’70′s and at some of the special effects.  The boys were entranced, or at least they were during the action scenes.  Not one of them cared for the romantic scenes.  My friend and I must have been asked 12,837 times during those sweet, romantic scenes when the movie would be over because they were grossed out.  Fortunately, action scenes followed.

Being the dutiful blogger I am, ahem, I took more pictures in the dark with no flash.  You’re welcome.

 photo 2

photo 1

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People Actually Read My Blog, or I’ve Got a Killer Friday Night Social Life

Posted in Boys, Ed the Awesome, My freakish delusions, Oma, Parts of this may be true on November 9, 2012 | 2 Comments »

Well, it’s Friday night and I’m a bit bored because Ed and the boys are playing Call of Duty:  Modern Warfare III, which is their favorite pastime until Call of Duty:  Black-Ops II comes out next week, so I decided to check out my stats page because I haven’t done it in forever.  The list was significantly longer that I had expected, mostly because I think my mother is one of the few who read my blog and I’m pretty sure she poses questions to the Google browser just to tease me, and there were some search questions listed that I found amusing.  There were even a few that made me almost spew my delicious Pinot Noir onto my computer screen.  That would have been a travesty though, and a waste of good wine, so you can calm yourself because there was no wasting of good wine in the writing of this post.

Slightly off topic, but I’ve recently come across a quote I really like.

Write Drunk.  Edit Sober.  Earnest Hemingway.

That guy must have been brilliant.  (Yes, I know who Hemingway was.  I’m not that drunk yet.)  (Mom, relax.  I’m kidding!)

Anyway,  on to the list!

1. Kid Who Looks Like A Monkey.  I mostly liked this one because we’ve been teasing Trip about his enormous ears lately and he is very proud of them.  He has even told his teachers that he has ears like a monkey and they should be jealous.  The little dude is a chick magnet though, so maybe he’s on to something.

2. What Happens to Boys Who Are Raised by Neurotic Mothers?  Dear God, I hope they turn out okay!  Otherwise, mine are screwed.  I think they’ll turn out just fine in spite of me.  Or to spite me.  They’ll probable live as far as humanly possible one day from their dear Momma, but it’ll just be so I can visit them in exotic locales.  Right?  You know what’s really troubling?  Someone found my blog with that query.  And they received absolutely no help at all!

3.  Jacob Hates You.  I don’t really get this one, but it makes me giggle anyway.  Maybe that’s the Pinot?  There are some mysteries the world will never solve.  In any case, I am Jacob’s favorite sister.  I might also be his only sister, but that is not the point.  I am his favorite sister because he thinks I am awesome and no one should ever disillusion him from that opinion!  That, and he’s right.

4.  Box Fight.  That was it:  “box fight.”  What in the hell is a box fight?  I wish I knew.  I’m a child of the 80′s and I absolutely love boxing.  I still watch it on whichever channel shows it late at night when I’m the only one awake because Ed hates it.  Or he just thinks I’m slightly weird for watching people fight in a ring.  I really do love it though.  I remember Mike Tyson fighting on HBO back when HBO was the only movie channel available.  Or were we just poor?  I’m not sure if there were other channels available back in the dark ages and I have no intention of finding out now, unless you, dear reader, just remember that kind of thing off the top of your head and would like to provide me with that little tidbit of knowledge.

As a little aside, I went out with my brother Jacob last weekend for a little drinking and debauchery.  Well, drinking at any rate.  So we went to a local establishment and had a couple of beers, but we were younger than most of the other patrons by a decade or two, which is no easy feat at my advanced age, so we walked across a busy highway (we’re in the country-it’s like crossing the street and risking your life at the same time) to another local establishment where the clientele was closer to our age and we saw a few people we had known from high school because they also hadn’t moved away and a Laurence Fishborne look-alike.  As we were chatting and discussing the merits of a life well lived, a “fight” broke out behind us.  I was as observant as ever and had to be pulled out of harm’s way by my dear brother.  Fortunately, he has become quite the quick thinker.  I turned around in time to see one guy slapping his own chest while hopping backwards.  These weren’t mere steps backwards or done in an attempt to find a space with more room for the actual fight.  These were HOPS!  He was hopping backwards like a rabbit!  And then, there were bouncers who appeared from out of nowhere and separated the two, although I don’t really know if you can separate two guys who are ten feet away from each other.  In any case, one was escorted out the front door and the police were called and they stayed for what seemed like an eternity!

In the end, I came to this conclusion:  If you’re going to get arrested anyway, you might as well throw a punch!  Otherwise, WHAT IS THE POINT??

5.  My brother’s full name.  You’ll have to forgive me for not listing his full name here, but with the last name, there are only twelve in the good ol’ USA, so it’s not like whoever typed that name into their browser could’ve been looking for someone else, but WHAT IN THE HELL, Google?  How is his full name, which I’ve never used on this here blog, associated with my fantastic blog.  (Yes, you should infer a little sarcasm there.  Self deprecation.  Whatever you want to call it.)

6.  My grandfather was in the CIA.  Dude, so was mine!  Maybe.  I’m not really sure.  The stories my mom tells about him killing people didn’t come out of her mouth until long after he was dead and she has a very, very vivid imagination.  (Mom, do not view that last statement as an invitation to describe said murders or self-defense maneuvers in the comment section.  That’s for private discussion at your dining room table where the possibility exists for us to enjoy making even more people uncomfortable.)

7.  Ed is awesome.  I think my husband may have searched this term in hopes of finding some dirt on me.  He has finally come to accept that he has received a life sentence with me for some unconscionable sin in a past lifetime.  Whatever it was, it was bad.  Poor guy.  He’s so nice now too.  You’d think a guy as nice as he is would get a wife who might cook and clean once in a while.  Lucky him, I work and drink red wine.  And beer.  And spirits.  Though not all at the same time because I learned my lesson when I was much, much younger.  Drink one at a time young lady, and you’ll be that much happier for it.  And he is awesome!  And cute!

8-88.  There were so many variations on stretch mark queries, I can’t even begin to list them all. Ladies, and Gentlemen if this happens to apply to you as well, stretch marks are permanent.  Once they rear their ugly heads, they never, ever leave.  Unless you have a tummy tuck and get those bad boys surgically removed.  That’s always an option.  But if you’re not willing to consider surgery, you’re stuck with the little reminders that your body has done something wonderful.  Mine housed three souls at once.  However, those bastards itched when they were forming (the stretch marks!) , so put your lotion on or you will be miserable. 

“It puts the lotion on it’s skin or else it gets the hose again.”  Can you name that one?  It’s one of my favorites.  I blame my seriously warped mother and the strange upbringing I endured.  I can’t believe my brothers don’t write.  Our mutual biographies read like a sociopath’s background….and her mother made her stay up late on weekend evenings to watch scary movies because she didn’t want to watch them alone. 

89-100. These were really just various queries about children and I’m hoping they were parents searching for inventive ways to photograph their cherubs.  And even though I’ve got some mad iPhone skills, they should probably look elsewhere.  I’m not very skilled with the camera.  I’m just persistent.

And well, now it’s time to  send the cherubs to bed and take the remotes away from them.  Momma wants to start watching Grimm and she needs that playstation to do it.

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Poor Ed

Posted in Ed the Awesome on October 25, 2012 | 1 Comment »

Poor Ed.  His life is so hard.  He has to live with me.  There’s the continual threat that I might actually cook something and then force him to eat it.  The real torture for him would be a lack of poison in the food and the knowledge that he will have to live with me even longer.

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All I Wanted Was Some Barbecue Chicken Like My Mom Used To Make

Posted in Ed the Awesome, Home, Oma on September 19, 2012 | 3 Comments »

All I wanted to do was make some barbecue chicken in my crock pot like my Mom used to make.  I found a recipe in a magazine that looked good and easy and those are some pretty good indicators if a dish will be good.  So one night last week, I got the dish all prepared in the crock pot and put it in the fridge.  Ed was an amazing husband and agreed to come home on his lunch hour so he could turn on the crock pot for me.

  I came home after work expecting the delicious aroma to be overwhelming.

I had told everyone at work about how awesome my barbecue chicken was going to be.

And I came home and was underwhelmed.  Disappointed.

There was an aroma, it just wasn’t strong.  It didn’t live up to my expectations.

I shredded the chicken and ate it.  With more barbecue sauce.  The boys stole some off of my plate.  Ed had some when he got home.

And so….lesson has been learned.  When you want barbecue chicken like your mother used to make, ask your mother how she makes it!  You might even learn something!  And, your house just might smell as delicious as you’re expecting!

You know what’s even worse than underwhelming barbecue chicken?  I used to have a cooking blog.

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You Just Never Know What Might Be Hiding Under The Bed…

Posted in Boys, Conversations I've had Recently, Dogs, Ed the Awesome, Family Stories, My freakish delusions, Oma on July 1, 2012 | 1 Comment »

Ed’s parents have taken a little vacation, a long weekend, just the two of them.  They asked Ed to look after their dogs while they were gone.  Of course, he said yes.  Said he’d even be happy to do it.  It’s a real honest-to-goodness vacation for them and it’s been far too long since their last one. 

So tonight, after Ed and the boys and I watched a movie (Brave–loved it!) and had dinner (Tex-Mex–awesome!!), we dropped in at his parents house to feed the dogs and give them some attention.  Sir Patrick Mayo is a standard French poodle.  He’s champagne colored and likes getting his hair cut and styled like a fluffy 80′s perm until Ed reminds him what a waste of time his pride is and then he sulks.  There’s Julie the Boston Bulldog who is absolutely positive that she’s the top dog and she will take down any male dog who tests her authority.  Yes, being a Boston Bulldog, she only weighs 20 pounds.  She’s still top dog!  :)   And then there’s Burban, the pup of their pack.  He’s a full blood mutt who happens to be mostly black with a small white patch on his chest.  He was named Burban because my in-laws found him sleeping in their garage as a puppy underneath the suburban.  If my mother-in-law had accidentally put the car into drive instead of reverse, things would’ve turned out badly.  Fortunately for all of us, she didnt’.   Burban most enjoys chasing after cats and boys and Julie and wreaking havoc wherever possible.  It’s just that everything is so exciting and he has too much energy and he’s really not sure what to do with all that energy!

Once Julie and Burban had licked their bowls clean and Patrick refused to admit there was food in his bowl or that his body required any sort of sustenance, we let all the dogs run through the house and chase after the boys.  That is why you have children, right?  To wear down the dogs?  Anyway, the dogs and the boys made multiple trips up and down the long hall and scattered the rugs and absolutely nothing fragile was broken.  After the dogs and the boys looked sufficiently tired, the young dogs were put in the back yard and Ed and I went to find Sir Patrick Mayo.  Sir Patrick Mayo was cowering on top of Ed’s parents bed and shivering because he absolutely knew he had been abandoned and his people were never coming back.

And then, I noticed it.  My dear in-laws, most likely my father-in-law, had taken louvered doors-the quarter width ones you might have found on a closet door back in the 80′s- and propped them up along both sides of the bed.  There has always been a wooden box at the foot of the bed so the dogs could easily climb onto the bed. But this, this was too much.  Their bedroom has a dark, gothic feel to it anyway, but now, you can’t see under the bed at all!  It totally freaked me out!  You have no idea what might be hiding under the bed waiting to grab your foot while you’re sleeping!  Mummy?  Vampire?  Crazed Murderer?  Werewolf?  Zombie?  Alien?  You have no idea!  Any one of them could be under the bed and you would be totally unaware!

I told Ed and the boys about this.  I described the fear with which one might be jolted when said unknown creature grabbed their sleeping foot and pulled them under the bed and started eating their organs.  I even demonstrated the scream which might slip from their mouths.

They all looked at me like I was crazy.

“Where do you get this stuff?” asked Logan.  (He can be a cynical little monster some times.)

“Dude,”  I said, “You don’t understand!  Oma made me watch all of the scary movies when I was your age.  She wouldn’t let me go to sleep.  She made me watch every single scary movie ever made just because she didn’t want to watch them by herself.  She said she was preparing me for a potential attack.  I mean really, if a poltergeist was going to target just one person, it would be her and not me.  The point is, I know all about these kinds of things and you always leave the space under the bed within clear sight so you can see any monsters under the bed!  It should be a law!”

“Mom,  you’re weird,” said Trip.

“I don’t want to watch any more movies with you, Mom,” said Logan.

I think Ed just rolled his eyes at my histrionics.

I might have seen a zombie hand pushing the louvered door out of its way.

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You Can’t Always Be The Favored Parent

Posted in Boys, Conversations I've had Recently, Ed the Awesome, Logan, Parenting Awesomeness, Trip on April 21, 2012 | 3 Comments »

Ed and the boys and I went out for lunch today, like we frequently do for lunch on the weekends. 

 (Because I’m an awesome cook.  I used to have a cooking blog.  Apparently, you need to be able to cook if you’re going to have a cooking blog with any content.)

Anyway, it was apparently Ed’s turn to be Logan’s favorite parent and Trip was completely indifferent and ignored us completely.  When Ed is either boys favorite parent, it turns into an all out boys-are-better-smear-campaign.

Logan started listing all of my faults (and they were many).

“Mom doesn’t let me play on her ipad or the ipad 2 or Wii or dsi or PS3 or on her cell phone.”

(This child is clearly neglected.  How could I not have more video games for him?)

“Logan, weren’t you grounded from video games for a week because of something that happened last weekend?”

(He completely ignored me and kept going with my faults.)

“She makes me sleep on the floor and doesn’t let me have any blankets.”

(Never. At some point, you just have to laugh at the funny shit your kid says.)

“And she doesn’t love me!”

(The last one was said with a dramatic flourish and volume and thank God there weren’t many people in the restaurant other than the many waitresses who knew us by name and always laugh at the boys antics.)

Ed chimed in, “Oh my goodness, boy, how can you live with such cruelty?”

(Ed is awesome like that.)

(Trip sat quietly coloring his picture menu even though he hates to color.)

 

At some point, my cackle will get so loud that I’ll be asked to leave a restaurant.  It hasn’t happened yet, but there’s a reason we go back to the same few restaurants over and over.

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Movie Nights

Posted in Boys, Ed the Awesome, Family Stories, Home on March 11, 2012 | 3 Comments »

Ed, aka Big Daddy Awesome, has decided that the boys should see some of the movies that he enjoyed from his childhood.  Most of these happen to be more kid friendly than what is currently available and I enjoy these movies too, so the early part of their spring break has been spent watching these movies.  We’ve watched C.H.O.M.P.S. and The Toy and Transylvania 6-5000.  We also watched Saturday the 14th, which happens to be a tiny bit scary, but only in a spoof movie sort of way.  We spent a rainy Saturday afternoon watching it.  Trip sat cuddled up to me.  Ed was laid out on his couch with back pain and a good view of the television.  Logan spent the entire two hours of the movie standing in the kitchen at the top of the two steps screaming at the television.

Logan,  “GET OUT OF THE WAY GIRL!  THE MONSTER IS GOING TO GET YOU!”

Ed, “Logan, stop screaming and sit down.”

Logan, jumping up and down, “I CAN’T!  THE MONSTER IS GOING TO GET THEM!  OH MY GOSH!  THERE’S ANOTHER MONSTER!”

Me, ”Logan, calm down!”

Logan, “IT’S SCARY!  CAN’T WE WATCH SOMETHING ELSE?  I DON’T LIKE SCARY MOVIES!”

Ed, “Logan, QUIT SCREAMING!”

Logan, “GET DOWN BOY!  THE MONSTER IS AFTER YOU!”

It was like watching a movie with my mother.  She’s never once watched a movie that she enjoyed without screaming at the television.  I am fairly sure that Logan hasn’t watched a scary movie with her yet.  When that does finally happen, I don’t know that anyone will actually hear any dialogue during the movie.

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My Recent Conversation with Ed

Posted in Conversations I've had Recently, Ed the Awesome, Parts of this may be true on January 29, 2012 | 6 Comments »

Ed:  “You know woman, I had hair before we got married.”

Me:  “I know.  You had lots and lots of hair.”

Ed:  “Girls flocked to it.  They wanted to run their hands through my thick hair!”

Me:  “I’m not quite sure you’re remembering that accurately.”

Ed:  “Look at what you’ve done to me!”

Me:  “I think you look very handsome.”

Ed:  “You’ve made my hair fall out!”

Me:  “I don’t know that it fell out…”

Ed:  “WHAT???”

Me:  “Well, dear, sometimes I feel the need to pluck the hairs on top of your head out while you sleep.”

Ed:  “Why on earth would you do that??”

Me:  “Well, sometimes you deserved it.”

Ed:  “And the gray?  Did you do that as well?”

Me:  “No.  That is all you.  I never could figure out a way to do that without bleaching the pillowcases.”

Ed (shaking his head in disbelief):  “You’ve aged me beyond my years.”

Me:  “I know!  Isn’t it great?  I still look like I did when we got married and you, well, you don’t.  I think you look even more handsome now though.”

Ed:  “You say such cruel things to me, madam.”

Me:  “And I love you too, dear.”

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Yoga and Flipped Eyeballs

Posted in Ed the Awesome, I Couldn't Make This Up, My freakish delusions, Parts of this may be true on January 6, 2012 | 2 Comments »

Ed said to me a few months ago that he wanted to start doing yoga and he wondered if a local gym where many of our friends exercised had a yoga program.  He asked around and I asked around and we were each told by quite a few people that the gym did indeed have a yoga class.  And then, we did nothing about it for weeks.  We’re proactive like that.  Gym memberships spontaneously appear in your wallet if you wait long enough.  So in November, the memberships still hadn’t spontaneously appeared in my wallet and Ed was begging me to take care of the membership situation, so I went up to the gym and signed up.  The guy who did the initial paperwork with me was a bit of an ass, but I figured he wouldn’t be in any of the yoga classes so I wouldn’t have to put up with his arrogance very often and I was right.  We attended our first yoga class the very next day.   The Yoga instructor, a blonde, new age-ish kind of girl,  arrived wearing stilettos and a dress.  She thanked everyone for coming, turned on the yoga music, and started us on the difficult Indian Style Sitting Pose while we breathed deeply in and out through our noses.  We were told many times throughout the class to practice each pose with our eyes closed, but it’s really hard to follow in a new yoga class while feeling like an absolute moron with your eyes closed.  You want to look at the instructor as she changes positions.  You want to look at your husband and make sure you are more flexible than he is.  You want to make sure the entire class hasn’t gotten up to encircle you  and point and laugh as you try a new pose.  Or that they haven’t all gotten up to encircle you with machetes.  Or Machine guns.  And how do you really know that a ninja intent on killing you hasn’t slipped down through the ceiling tiles if you have your eyes closed??  So I kept my eyes open the entire time, as did Ed.  And really, if you don’t keep your eyes open, how can you look at your husband’s cute butt?  So it was in this very first yoga class with Ed and the weird, new age music and my open eyes that I first did the Downward Dog.  For those of you who have never done a Downward Dog,  you bend over at the waist and lean forward until you get your hands to the floor, basically making yourself an inverted V.  We stayed in the Downward Dog position for eight of the yoga instructor’s breaths, or about ten minutes.  It was during the Downward Dog that my eyeballs flipped.  Yes, flipped. 

And now it’s time for the physiology portion of this story.  You have neurons, aka nerve cells, in your eyeballs that send any image you see to your brain, but somewhere along the way, the image has to be flipped in order for us to see the image with the right side up.  Researchers who were having quite a bit of fun with some college kids put their subjects in special goggles that flipped the image they were seeing and then waited for the subjects brains to flip the image right side up again.  Once they removed the goggles, the subjects had to wait a certain amount of time before their brains were able to flip the image again.  I think every student in an Anatomy and Physiology class has heard of this study and probably never actually read the case study and such is the case with me.

Now, back to the cool part of my story.  There I was in the Downward Dog position, eyes open, trying in vain to breath deeply in and out through my nose, giving up and breathing deeply through my mouth, watching the instructor as she told us to inhale deeply about every seventy seconds, watching Ed’s backside and checking his form when I realized that my arms and legs looked like they were connected firmly to the ceiling.  I watched my trembling arms and thought that I could just straighten out my legs   and stand where I was.  The whole experience was a bit surreal.  I looked forwards and backwards just to make sure I was seeing what I thought I was seeing and sure enough, the floor had changed to my ceiling.  And then, too much blood finally rushed to my head and I got dizzy and the trembling in my arms reached its limit and I had to pull out of the pose and went down to all fours.  I was finally able to sit quietly in the class for a few minutes with my eyes closed, but it was only because I needed a break from my upside down world.  My flipped eyeballs (very technical term, I know) flipped back very quickly as they hadn’t been flipped the wrong way for more than a few minutes.

Now that you know you can flip your eyeballs, are you going to try it?

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